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How to Visit Disneyland and California Adventure for Free and Ride Everything in a Day

If you visit Disneyland and its neighboring park, California Adventure, you can easily spend half a grand while sitting in giant lines with screaming kids all day. One-day park-hopper passes start at $155 per person, parking runs $18 and that’s before you get into the world of overpriced food, water, souvenirs and endless lines.

There are only a few windows during which I’ll visit Disneyland and every time I go I stick to the same strategy that works every single time. When I go to Disney, I spend as little money as possible, wait in the shortest lines and visit the best attractions the parks have to offer without dealing with any of the crowds. If you follow this plan step-by-step, you can visit Disney and California’s Adventure for free (or very cheaply) while encountering the shortest lines throughout the day.

1. Visit on a shoulder season weekday

This sounds obvious, but it makes all the difference. There are only a handful of times that I’ll go to the park and it’s when crowds are at a minimum. You can check the park’s least-crowded days online, but there are some obvious ones you want to avoid. Never go to Disney over Christmas break, any three-day weekend (MLK Day, President’s Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day), Spring Break, Easter or Veteran’s Day. If you can take a day off of work in the fall or spring, that’s even better. You never want to go to Disneyland on a weekend, over the summer or especially a summer weekend. Never. Go to the beach instead.

The best times to go to Disneyland are on Spring and Fall weekdays when rain is in the forecast. Go in early-November or early-December. Weekdays in late-January through early-March (minus three-day weekends) offer cooler weather, fewer crowds, fewer screaming kids and shorter lines. You get the exact same Disney experience, but much, much better.

2. Park for free Outside of Disneyland

All the streets surrounding the park strictly enforce permit parking or don’t allow street parking at all. That’s why most people opt to pay $18 for the Micky and Friends parking structure then take a shuttle to the park entrance. I don’t like this for a few reasons. First is I’d rather spend the $18 elsewhere, second is it’s time consuming to park, get to the shuttle, wait to the shuttle and then ride it to Downtown Disney before walking to the park entrance. If you are willing to walk a little bit (a little less than a mile) then you can drop your companions directly at the front gate and then park for free.

The entire neighborhood NORTH of Interstate-5 is free neighborhood street parking. Take the exit AFTER the main exit for Disneyland Drive, this is Exit-110A for Harbor Boulevard. If you want to drop anyone off at the park entrance before parking, turn right on S Harbor Blvd. and the main gate will be on the right (this is where Ubers and Lyfts drop off). If you want to park for free, when you get off the highway, turn left onto S Harbor Blvd. Travel north on S Harbor Blvd. Cross W Ball Rd and then as soon as you reach W Vermont Ave the entire neighborhood offers plenty of street parking. The only thing you need to be careful about is that there is street cleaning one day a week. Aside from that, parking is totally free.

Once you have parked, you have a few options to get to the park. You can walk one mile down S Harbor Blvd. crossing the overpass for I-5 and the park entrance will be on the right. You can take an Uber or Lyft which will cost less than $5. Or you can take the OCTA (Orange County Transit Authority) bus. Local line 43 picks up at Harbor and Vermont or express line 543 stops at Harbor and Ball. Both buses drop off at the park entrance, the fare is $2 each way or $4 for a day pass.

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3. Get Free Disneyland Tickets from a Disney Employee

The Walt Disney Company employs hundreds of thousands of employees worldwide. Many of those employees enjoy the company benefit that they can visit Disney theme parks for free, or go with friends or family. Find one of these people! I don’t care if you have a distant third cousin who has an ex that works in marketing, this can save you over $150 per person for a one-day park-hopper ticket. Sometimes these aren’t only good for Disneyland, they work at all Disney parks and resorts worldwide.

If you can’t find a friend or family member to provide a ticket, you’re out of luck. Disney rarely offers discounts. There was a time in the past where they would provide a free ticket if you performed an act of charity through a program they offered. Outside of that, your best bet is being part of a corporate function or volunteer organization so your job can get you in the park. Other than that, pick which one you want to visit (or both) and pay the hefty fee.

Generally Disneyland is the better park for younger kids and offers the classic Disney “magic” experience, but because it is older and more popular, it can get more cramped. Space Mountain and Indiana Jones are fantastic rides. California Adventure is more spacious and newer but lacks some of the charm that makes Disneyland famous. It’s a better park for teenagers. Radiator Springs Racers, Grizzly Falls and California Screaming are excellent attractions and it’s the only of the two parks where you can purchase alcohol (they also have a winery within the park).

4. Be at the park gate 30 Minutes Before Opening

Have your tickets ready, be in line and be set to go at least 30 minutes before the park gates open. If you are only doing one park, you don’t have to choose where to start. If you’re doing both, see if one of them opens an hour earlier than the other and go there. I find this best when Disneyland opens at 8:00 A.M. and California Adventure opens an hour later at 9:00 A.M. Wear comfortable walking (or running) shoes and be prepared to clock a lot of distance. On my last visit, I logged 26,000 steps and 12 miles of walking between both parks.

5. Do the Most Popular Rides First Thing in the Morning and Utilize Fast Pass and Single Rider

Beat the crowds. I don’t care if it’s early or your coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. As soon as the gates open, head straight to Space Mountain, pick up a fast pass and then knock it off your list immediately. Get your fast pass, ride Space Mountain and then you’ll have your second ride ready to go either for right now or later in the morning.

As soon as you finish that, start making your way back across the park. Since it’s still early, ride Star Tours and Astro Blasters along the way before the lines start to grow. After that, cross the park and head straight for Indiana Jones. If there’s already a line then hop into single rider to avoid the crowds. In a best-case scenario, when you finish Indiana Jones, you will be eligible to receive a second fast pass.

The way fast pass works is you are assigned a time when you can return and skip the line. If you get a Space Mountain Fast Pass first thing in the morning, it might say, “Return between 8:15 A.M. and 9:15 A.M.” As soon as 8:15 A.M. rolls around, you are allowed to get your next fast pass (regardless of whether or not you’ve ridden Space Mountain). When you finish riding Indiana Jones, pick up your second fast pass for later in the day. Or go to the other end of the park and get a Splash Mountain fast pass for the afternoon when it’ll be a bit warmer.

Now it’s time to use the Space Mountain fast pass to get a second ride on the park’s most popular attraction without waiting in line. Go back to Tomorrowland, hit your second ride on that and then it will probably be around 8:45 A.M. (assuming the park opened at 8). You have a few options at this point.

If you are doing both parks, you can leave Disneyland and go to California Adventure. Follow the same strategy with the second park. As soon as the park opens (assuming it’s an hour later than Disneyland), head straight for the Fast Pass for Radiator Springs Racers (located just outside It’s a Bug’s Life). The fast passes for the two parks are completely independent of each other, so you can have passes at the same time for both parks. Go to the rear of the park and visit the Toy Story Midway and California Screamin’. If you have time, squeeze in Tower of Terror before you can redeem your Radiator Springs fast pass. Use your fast pass to skip the line at Radiator Springs Racers and congrats, you’ve done both parks’s busiest attractions before 11:00 A.M.

If you are only doing Disneyland, then keep attacking the most popular rides early in the day and retrieve fast passes when they become available. Get a fast pass for Splash Mountain so that you can return when it’s warmer in the day. Visit Matterhorn and Thunder Mountain before the lines grow. You can usually save rides like Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean for later in the day when you want to recover in lines that move fairly briskly.

6. Pack Your Own Lunch and Water

You can bring a small backpack with you onto all the rides at Disneyland and California Adventure. Load up the backpack with sandwiches, water, juice, snacks, trail mix and a small ice pack (if necessary). All the rides have little pockets where you can stow the backpack. If you have a small salad in some tupperware then the ride will mix it for you. When you enter, you’ll have your bag checked. Selfie sticks are confiscated.

At around noon when the park starts to get slammed, this is when you take your lunch break. Time it before everyone else hits the expensive cantinas and before your afternoon fast passes on gentler rides. Haunted Mansion, Ariel’s Grotto, Pirates of the Caribbean, Astro Blasters, Monster’s Inc. and any ride in Fantasyland is safe for after a meal while the rest of the park deals with lines for food and meltdowns. Pack your own refillable water bottle so that you can top it off as needed throughout the day and avoid paying several dollars every time you need water. Plus you need to stay hydrated for all the walking you’re doing.

Spend the hours from 1:00 to 3:00 taking advantage of earlier fast passes you picked up. This is when lines will be at their worst. If you want to do rides that are popular, try their single rider lines, some of which are not advertised. For example, you have to ask the attendant at Grizzly Falls for a little pass that says you’d like to be a single rider. Once you’ve crossed off a few more attractions, you can either leave by 4:00 or gear up for the evening.

7. If You’re Staying Late, Take an Afternoon Break at the Grand Californian Hotel or in Downtown Disney

Find some air conditioning, a soft couch, take a nap, check your phone, rest and relax for a little bit. If it’s around 3 or 4 P.M. this is the perfect time to bounce if you’re good on rides or get recharged for another round. Maybe you have more fast passes for later or you want to watch fireworks or a parade. The version of yourself a few hours in the future will be very thankful if you take a break earlier in the day.

There is a separate entrance and exit gate to and from the park near Grizzly Falls in California Adventure. Make sure you hand is stamped and your ticket allows for reentry. Leave the park, make your way to the hotel lobby (or sneak into the pool area) and just relax for an hour. It’ll make all the difference if you’re staying in the parks later that night.

8. Celebrate

Don’t do Disneyland and California Adventure the same way that everyone hits those two parks. Do the opposite of what everyone else does and you’ll have a much better experience. Park north of I-5 for free, get tickets from a friend or family member who works for Disney, do the most popular rides as soon as they open, pack your own lunch and rest while everyone else is being insane. Then kick back for some fireworks knowing you did Disney better than everyone else.

Hiking the Three-Peak Challenge: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Pain

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There’s an outside shot I’ll need a second knee surgery because of a series of hikes that will amount to nothing more than a blog post. This is all because my favorite outdoors retail store, Adventure 16, offered a couple raffle tickets if you summited the three tallest mountains in Southern California. I enjoy hiking and am notoriously cheap, so in the name of the chance to win free gear, I talked my buddy Jeremy into a series of three murderous day hikes that we now regret.

 

The challenge consists of hiking San Gorgonio near Big Bear, San Jacinto near Palm Springs, and San Antonio near the Azusa senior center, in either three months, three weeks, three days or, for a handful of psychopaths, 24 hours. Seriously, a couple of masochists start hiking before dawn and do all three in a day. We put the three hikes on the calendar over the span of June, July and August so that we would have something to say on Fridays when coworkers asked us about our weekends.

 

The thing I like about hiking is that it’s a discernible goal that’s easy to quantify. If you get to the top of the mountain, you win. If you don’t, you lose. That’s much simpler than most goals that involve nebulous measures like happiness and wealth and living life to its fullest and accomplishments and accolades. Not with hiking. If you get to the top you achieve your goal. Also, it costs nothing. Compared to hockey gear, you pretty much just have to walk uphill for a really long time.

 

I didn’t even have a good emotional hurdle to overcome, along the lines of Wild and Into The Wild. Those books were so popular because they weren’t really about hiking. They were about something else that was being worked through while the main character was on a trail. I would’ve loved to have had a mental block, or an emotional breakthrough on my drive through San Bernardino County, but the strongest emotional pull I felt was when we pulled into the West Covina In-N-Out. And that Into The Wild dude was kind of an idiot. I mean he walked into Alaska and died, that’s pretty much the book. Spoiler alert.

 

We knocked the best hike out of the way first, because apparently we didn’t want anything to look forward to on this stupid adventure. Mount San Jacinto was the most spectacular of the bunch, which would’ve been a lot more enjoyable were it not for the blood seeping through our socks. When you drive from L.A. to Palm Springs, it towers to the south of the 10 freeway. It can be hiked as a 10-mile trail from the Palm Springs tramway, 15-20 miles from a few trails starting in the town of Idyllwild, or the Skyline Trail (also known as Cactus to Clouds), which, at 36 miles at 10,000 feet uphill, is the highest vertically-climbing hike in America. We did not do that one.

 

We split the difference and picked the Devil’s Slide Trail from Humber Park in Idyllwild. This presented us with a 16-mile trek from a really nice town where we would’ve been better off spending the day. Idyllwild was a low-key Big Bear without the bling shops. The route took us along the Pacific Crest Trail for a few miles, a view of Palm Desert and Joshua Tree, and brief spells of flat terrain shaded with summer camp pine trees. For around three minutes out of our eight-hour adventure, it was paradise. The final mile was a grueling, rocky climb to the second-tallest mountain in Southern California.

 

On a clear day, you can see the ocean, Mount Whitney and even the curvature of the Earth from the summit of Mount San Jacinto. On the day we were hiking we could clearly discern the Morongo Casino. But views aside, our first hike was done which meant, unfortunately, we had to continue with the other two. If only one of us had broken our legs then we would’ve had the excuse we needed to quit.

 

Mount Baldy was the steepest and most fun (I use the word fun very loosely) of the three. Clocking in at 10.6 miles, Baldy starts at a packed parking lot and climbs straight uphill in a way that makes you question your life choices. The summit overlooks a huge bowl with a half-dozen peaks and a ski resort that global warming is putting out of business. The misery of hiking down a gravel ski trail is alleviated by the bar you encounter at the seven-mile mark. We snapped some photos of the lame zip line, questionable ski lift and battle of the beers before crossing the second hike off the list.

 

The three-peak challenge culminates in the final, worst, most unpleasant, brutal trek of the three: the 19 miles up the tallest mountain in Southern California, Mount San Gorgonio. In the same way I remember middle school bullies, I have nothing nice to say about this hike. There’s nothing redeeming and there’s no sense of accomplishment to justify the horrible pain this hike causes. The bottom of the trail and top of the mountain have vertical climbs determined to force your tibia to pierce through your kneecap. The trail spends most of its time in a forested valley so you don’t get any views. When it does become awe-inspiring, you’re already suffering from altitude sickness and sunstroke so you’re imagining all sorts of random stuff. You’re not sure if you have a great view of the endless high desert or if there are Pokemon everywhere.

 

You know when a dog is out for a long walk on a hot day and then before it gets home it just quits? Like it finds a spot in the shade on the sidewalk and lays down and that’s that? Right, so that’s our knees. With three miles remaining, we were limping like seniors using our hiking poles as walking canes as we took one ginger step at a time down the endless trail with the parking lot feeling like it was getting further away with each step. Until finally we descended with scores of hikers passing us along the way and finally we could proclaim that we never have to hike again.

 

The most insulting part was sitting in the car afterwards. After logging over 40,000 steps in a day, my fitness watch sensed that I was immobile for more than an hour and ordered me to, “Move!” Our enormous physical challenge amounted to topping the 29th-tallest summit in California, which barely fits on a bumper sticker. There was no emotional breakthrough, no real sense of accomplishment and nothing but pain to show for it (although the In-N-Out was nice). And I have a pretty solid hunch that I’m going to come up empty handed on the raffle.

 

I’ll never understand why people do iron mans and tough mudders, which is that race where you electrocute yourself for fun. But I guess there’s something good about setting goals and accomplishing them. It gives you a challenge to anticipate, it makes you push yourself, gives you something to do on the weekend, and you can conquer office small talk on Monday. You might even win a prize or two for your efforts. But the important thing to do before setting out on any endeavors is to make sure that the goals are easy. Because you actually have to work for the hard ones and there’s nothing fun about that.

 

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Let’s Knock it Off With Slowing Down for the Parking Enforcement Car

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No one wants a traffic ticket. Paying a huge fine is the easiest way to ruin your week and put a damper on other useless stuff you were going to buy. Beverly Hills needs to pay for their homeless removal programs somehow, and the easiest way to do that is with red light cameras and charging people who roll through stop signs with $500 fees.

Even jaywalking in Los Angeles can result in a triple-digit ticket. Because what will make Los Angeles a more walkable city than jaywalking tickets. Those rich Beverly Hills folks need to fund vital civic services like waxing Lamborghinis for rich Persians. The expense of wheeling old people in wheelchairs from retirement homes to delis doesn’t pay for itself. They can’t turn to their tax base for food just as embalmed as the patrons. They need to make up the shortfall with traffic tickets.

While this does make us extremely cautious when we see a police officer, can we please stop slowing down when we see the parking enforcement car? It’s not a real car and we need to stop acting like they’re important. Let’s not dignify the meter maid by coming to a complete stop. We need to collectively agree on eschewing laws when we see the parking enforcement vehicle. If has a cascade of negative effects when we slow down for fake cops.

For starters, you’re annoying everyone behind you by being a slow, cautious citizen when it’s unnecessary. If I came to a full, complete stop at every intersection and drove under the speed limit for a completely unnecessary stretch of time, it’d piss off the procession behind me. Everyone would be honking, flipping me off, and getting out of their cars to walk faster than I drove to yell through my windshield. There’s no difference between doing that when no one is around and doing that when the parking enforcement car is checking district permits. They have no real authority. You don’t need to slow down.

Just because it has sirens doesn’t make it a real cop car. If I picked up a couple strobe lights and super glued them to my roof, I would have the same amount of power as the parking enforcement officer. I could walk around pretending to be a real cop, with my plastic sheriff badge that I got by redeeming skee-ball tickets at the arcade. It doesn’t mean you have to magically become a slow driver when you cut me off 30 seconds earlier just because you saw sirens. You can buy sirens.

On top of inconveniencing everyone, you also grant parking attendants with a sense of power they shouldn’t have. We already have real police officers abusing power every chance they get. They’re shooting unarmed citizens. They’re tazing kids. They’re pepper spraying for sport. They’re starting race riots every day. Do we really need that from people who issue parking fines?

In addition to insane cops shooting people, now those little ticket scanners will double as tasers. Their stupid meter maid hat brims will be sharp as razor blades. They’ll be looking for trouble…along with expired tags. But mostly trouble. All because you decided to obey the law for a bunch of traffic cops, now we’ll get permit parking race riots on top of all the regular police race riots we already have.

The best solution is to put the parking enforcement cops in their place. Not only should we break the law around them, you should rub their meager existence in their faces. When you pass by the parking enforcement car, just leave a giant scratch mark along the entire side of their car. Flip off the meter maid. Drive with two forty’s duct taped to your hands. Then if they say anything just point to the fake siren you stuck to your roof and let them know you can be a pretend-cop too.

Whether it’s a parking permit enforcer, one of those private security fake cop cars, an ordinary schlub who owns a Ford Crown Vic, or one of those senior center fake ambulance shuttles, stop obeying the law around them. We need to take our recklessness back so that we can get where we’re going faster. The only way to do this is by showing them less respect and breaking more laws. It will put them in their place, speed up traffic and prevent race riots, all in the name of moving us forward as a traffic jam and a nation.

The Next Hiker Who Doesn’t Respond to My “Hello” Is Getting Nudged Off This Cliff

I know we visit nature to escape the trappings of work and city life. We want to get away from crowds and people, have time to ourselves, rejuvenate and embrace the silence of a beaten trail. We take a day trip to spot wild animals, see the desert in bloom, photograph spectacular views and hike to distant waterfalls. But if you walk past me and don’t respond to my cheesy hiking greetings, I’m just saying… Watch your step.

 

I will settle for any kind of acknowledgement that you and I exist together on this dirt pathway. I have pulled out all the stops to welcome your arrival. I offered a high-five, said, “Good morning, super hiker friend,” and held up a sign that reads, Greetings Mountain Man! I expect nothing less in return. If you breeze past me as though I’m part of the shrubbery, you should be very aware that we’re traipsing along an extremely steep cliff.

 

You can’t be too cool for my warm welcomes because I have done everything in my power to make hiking uncool for everyone. My fanny pack is secured tightly, I have stood in the same place for an hour trying to refold my paper map, my hat was a Valentine’s Day present that says, I love you. And you think that you can walk past this kind of love and not reciprocate my hug?

 

It’s just you and me up there. I move to the side to let you pass and raise a hand in the air for a high-five. We’re in this together. We’re hiking, climbing, conquering and you leave me hanging? You’re doing to me exactly what the treasonous regiment of the Scottish Army in Braveheart did when they ditched William Wallace mid-battle.

 

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Upcoming Stand-up Shows

Friday March 9, 2012

8 p.m. Elderberries Cafe, 7564 W Sunset (near Curson in Hollywood).
$5 cover plus $5 food/drink minimum

Tuesday March 20, 2012
8 p.m. Ha Ha Cafe Comedy Club, 5010 Lankershim Blvd. (North Hollywood)
No cover charge, 2 drink minimum

Saturday March 24, 2012
9.30 p.m. Magic Bag, Little Modern Theater, 6476 Santa Monica Blvd. (at the Complex in H’wood)
No cover charge

Wednesday March 28, 2012
8.30 p.m.  Joker’s Joint, 8771 W. Pico Blvd (near Robertson).
$7 cover charge, no drink min.

Tuesday April 3, 2012
8.30 p.m.  Big Show Comedy, Hollywood Studios Bar & Grill 6122 W Sunset (at Gower in H’wood).
No cover charge, 2 drink minimum ($3 beers available).

Saturday April 21, 2012
8 p.m. Hand Shucked, Moving Arts Theater, 1822 Hyperion Ave. (Silver Lake)
$5 cover includes free beer.

 

If the Cat In Heat Outside My Window Doesn’t Shut Up, I Will Have Sex With It

Doing unpleasant things for a good night's sleep.

It has been nearly a month straight that a desperate and horny feline has found its way to the ledge outside my apartment on a nightly basis. With her furry rump stuck firmly in the air, she mewls as loud as possible to beg to get laid by anything that might happen to walk by. It is so loud and annoying that if another cat doesn’t come along in the near future, I am going out there and having sex with the cat to shut her up.

For starters, Whiskers out there needs a simple lesson in learning the basics of playing hard to get. No one wants to bang the cat that begs for anyone in the entire neighborhood to give it to her. Maybe acting a little becoming could change things around for her. Like instead of getting on the ledge and yelling out to all of Hollywood, “Please, I need it, anyone, for the love of God get me pregnant,” she could aim for a hint of subtlety. Something like, “Hey, fellas. I seem to be alone on this ledge and have lost my pants.” Let guys connect the dots, Fluffy. Guys like an air of mystery.

It is just sad and awkward to listen any of God’s creatures beg for sex like that. It’s not natural, there is supposed to be some sort of mating game, wooing, competition. Not a woman on a ledge with her ass in the air saying, “Will someone please put a baby in me now. I will do anything!” It’s like when you go too far with porn. You find some really weird German production where the women take it way over the edge and it is more repulsive than attractive. This cat is still out on that ledge and can’t find a single male cat to satisfy her. I suspect she is having the same issue of being too easy.

We are talking straight through the night, every night for the past month. I can’t get sleep anymore. The screeching tones of pathetic desperation piercing my walls is too much. That’s why I have decided that if another cat doesn’t come along and put her out of her misery, I will go out there. There is no other choice; I will creep along the alley, scale the wall, balance myself on the ledge and do the deed myself. Read more

Is There a Helipad On Top of My Fucking Apartment I Don’t Know About?

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Living near the intersection of Sunset and La Brea in Hollywood sort of feels like living in a freshman year college dorm. Whoever was there before you was like, “This place was already fucked.” Everyone just drove across the country to chase their dreams just to find that the neighborhood of Hollywood is one strip club after another.

But all of this fails to explain why helicopters hover just outside my bedroom window at all hours of every single fucking night.

Seriously, is this out of spite? Do we need the 2 A.M. traffic report? Can’t we have a less wake-everyone-the-fuck-up in the middle of the night way of shining a bright light on the looter. Or, y’know what? Let the thief get away. Waking up the entire district of failing creatives in Hollywood can’t be worth that much less than a flat screen TV, can it? Right?

If we live in the neighborhood of Hollywood then our lives suck enough. Can’t we at least get one night of uninterrupted sleep per week? One. That’s all I’m asking for. I will continue to contribute my failures and taxes to the city of Los Angeles in exchange for one helicopter-free night. We did the whole 405-closure thing for an entire weekend. Can’t they keep Black Hawk Down grounded for a single evening? Read more

Buy Crazy Girls

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Have you ever gone on a first date with a total psycho? How about someone who showed you the satchel of cocaine she keeps under her pillow? Or takes you to Bible study to convert you? Or tells you her date rape story in horrific detail?

My first book, Crazy Girls, is available for sale on the Amazon Kindle Singles. It debuted at number one on the Kindle Singles Bestseller List and 11th for all Kindle sales in its first weekend. Costs less than a dollar and takes an hour to read. Crazy Girls is being reviewed as “Required reading for anyone who has ever had a terrible date…” and “An amazing read from first line to last.”

Any support, kind reviews, tweeting and Facebook posts and tremendously needed and appreciated. These things entirely depend on word-of-mouth, so any promotion is very generous. Check out the book here.

The Hundreds of Ethnic Minority Groups Make It Really Hard to Be Politically Correct With Your Racism

Sikhs, a confusing ethnic group for racists

In the 1970s there were three television channels: CBS, NBC and ABC. If you had a show on the air, take an average episode of M*A*S*H for example, you would pull in a bare minimum of twenty million viewers. There weren’t a lot of choices and nobody cared. People didn’t pine for a thousand channels of premium on-demand with a third of the channels requiring you to call your subscriber and another third in Spanish. With all the specific choices and divisions, things have gotten a lot more complicated. I feel like racism has faced the same kind of transformation. It is harder than ever for racists to be politically correct.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that racism is good. What I’m getting at is that if you are racist, which in addition to being a bad thing, must be tremendously difficult if you want to be accurate. There are so many different ethnic minorities, cultural niches and divided sects that make it really difficult to pinpoint the minority group you are trying to degrade.

If you are going to be racist, you want to be politically correct about it, otherwise racists will miss their intended target. Because every community has their own day of pride, or a parade or a national holiday recognized in their American enclave, you want to make sure that you are talking about the right people. If you are trying to be racist against Haitians, is remarkably easy to confuse them with Dominicans, a group that you might not harbor any racist feelings against. If you are trying to be racist against a Puerto Rican, but confuse him for a Mexican, then you look like an uneducated and insensitive bigot. And that’s just Central America and the Caribbean. Read more

Hey, Desktop-Computer-In-Starbucks Guy, You Are An Asshole

There is actually a part of me that understands where you’re coming from. I’m unemployed. I recently graduated school. I work freelance and I don’t want to sit in my apartment all day. But taking your desktop computer into a coffee shop is going to ruin things for everyone.

How much of an asshole do you have to be to set up your entire home office inside of a mediocre coffee chain? And you have to use the extra large table, don’t you? Because you didn’t just lug your work station inside. You had to make extra trips for the monitor, computer mouse and ergonomic keyboard, you schmuck. Read more

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