Archive: france

Why Europeans Like New York Jews

500 lb. Maury Pauvich guest in America

500 lb. Maury Pauvich guest in America

I’ve had a lot of success with European women in the past. Not relegated to any country in specific, but just as a continent, I seem to do better there than women in any other continent (maybe neck-and-neck with North America).

I was discussing this with other likeminded New York Jews (by the way, doesn’t that sound like a last-place Major League Soccer team? F.C. New York Jews?), and was shocked by similar results. It was unanimous: European girls love New York Jewish guys.

I thought about it for a while and figured out why this is: we’re the safe experimentation version for Europeans to try dating an American. They’ve all heard about that Wild West cowboy, frontier, hunter uncivilized New Worlder (that’s right, New Worldler), but they don’t really want to have to put up with it, so they go half-way and date a New Yorker.

It’s the trans-Atlantic version of a white girl who wants to date a black guy, but sorta hedges her bets by dating a light-skinned black guy, or a guy with one black parent and one white one. She wants to rebel against her parents, but doesn’t want to get in too deep in the process. That’s where New York Jews come in handy.

Why the French Are the Worst in Bed

All French women wear berets and hang at the Eiffel Tower

All French women wear berets and hang at the Eiffel Tower

In my modest dating experience with girls from around the world, I’ve come to the conclusion that the French are the worst lovers in the world.

And from talking with friends, it seems like it’s a similar experience, the French person they’ve slept with have been their worst. But I don’t think that they’re especially bad. Rather, the expectations are way too high.

They – as a people – have no way to live up to this. There are so many great French romance films, plays and poems. Their cities are undeniably perfect in every way a city can be. They’re cultured, they can cook, they’re smart, they’re liberal and progressive and the assumption is that because of all of this, they will be great at sex. No one can live up to that demand.

Imagine the pressure that would be on you if word was out that you were incredible at sex. If that rumor was out – and you didn’t know you had a reputation to uphold – you’d have to go above and beyond every single time. And to be quite honest with you, that sounds like a lot of work.

So let’s give the French a break. Let’s start the rumor now that the French are bad in bed. They’re unskilled in bed and there’s no word for romance. Only then do they have a prayer at satisfying – in every possible way – our American demands.

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