Archive: jews

Judaism Would Be More Intimidating If We Had Jewish-Themed Rides And Sections at Amusement Parks

Ragin' Rabbi at Magic Mountain's new Shtetl-World.

It seems as though an amusement park’s critical acclaim is related to the quality of their themed areas. Busch Gardens Tampa has designed their different sections to resemble the jungle, Disneyland has worlds like Frontierland, Tomorrowland and Have-Your-Wallet-Raped-By-Donald-Duck-Land, Six Flags Magic Mountain is themed like a place where you can be robbed by gangs of 13-year-olds. With all the investment in original landscape architecture and designing rides to suit the surrounding area, how come there isn’t a Jewish-themed area at any amusement parks?

I don’t think Jew World, Shtetl-Land or Schmuck Jerusalem would be too out of place at one of America’s fine summer attractions. Busch Gardens Europe, which is near Virginia Beach, Virginia, a place that would prefer to bomb Europe, has themes for Native American Canada, Italy and a decidedly not Jew-friendly Germanic village. I was personally very impressed by the authenticity that came with the german shepherds barking me on to the Alpengeist roller coaster. Why not add a little section of the park for the chosen people? Or, rather, let me ask like more of a Jewish mother: Would it kill ya to make it a little more Jewy?

Holiday World in Indiana has themed areas for different holidays. Christmas, Halloween and the Fourth of July are all represented with rides like The Voyage and The Raven. Why not tack on a little bit of Yom Kippur World? Ride the Starving Scream Machine and Raging Rabbi where your train has to outrun a vengeful God because you snuck a sandwich into temple. Then you get lunch at the Screw-It-It’s-Close-Enough-To-Sunset and risk Jew Hell for some brisket.

I understand that there are two main issues with implementing this kind of theming. One is that people who love amusement parks tend to not like Jews very much. Every time I go to Six Flags Great Adventure, I nearly get stabbed to death by New Jersey’s and Philadelphia’s roving gangs of 13-year-olds who decide to settle their turf wars while waiting in line for Kingda Ka. They are seldom doing so because they’re fighting over prime Bar Mitzvah dates on the Jewish calendar. Second, people want to associate thrill rides with fear and adrenaline and it’s rare that these emotions can be elicited by a mention of the Hebrew people.

Any Jew who has ever brought a shiksa home to meet their grandma can attest to the fear that the children of Israel can instill. Maybe if we start influencing the teenage visitors of amusement parks, we can make a long-lasting change to the perception of the fear factor of Judaism. Thirteen-year-old American teenagers tend to be the most vocal, racist, offensive, self-involved idiots in the world. The reason that stereotyping and bigotry exists is mostly thanks to this future generation of America’s leaders. These morons also happen to be the prime demographic for Six Flags attractions. If we can somehow start getting these half-brained 13-year-olds to say stuff like, “That roller coaster is scarier than a Jew on Easter,” then maybe we can affect Judaism’s perception in society.

I am not trying to get more people to hate Jews, trust me, that side of the public relations effort is well-saturated. But what I want is to have a more fearful reputation. Something that would instill a bit of intimidation. Imagine how you would react if you heard, “Our star quarterback can’t practice on Saturday because he has to go to temple.” I still want you to feel afraid but for the exact opposite reasons. What I want is for a young, single, white girl to be walking down the street alone at night, see a guy with a yarmulke walking in her direction and have her cringe with fear while clutching her pepper spray and not just because it’s a delicious varnish to matzoh.

Theme parks are one of the places we could start to implement this reputation of fear. We have rides like El Toro in Spanish-themed areas of Six Flags, Runaway Train in the Old West and Ninja in sections inspired by the Orient. It shouldn’t be that much of a stretch to add The Kvetcher in Little Israel, The Stomach Ache in Schmaltzy Tel Aviv or Why Haven’t You Called Your Mother? in The Shtetl.

The trains could have a cool theme to them. Everyone could bring down their shoulder straps, which also doubles as a tallit. The long curly payot sideburns could be flying along the edges of the roller coaster. The massive first drop could be designed to shape a hook nose. The long line could show clips on screens of people complaining about long lines (“Oy, we’re waiting in line for this?”). Then at the end of your heartburn-inducing thrill ride and want to buy your picture at the end of the ride, you have to haggle with the salesman behind the counter who judges your entire personal finance.

As things stand right now, Judaism doesn’t instill the kind of intimidation in sports, crime, and pop culture that other races and ethnicities seem to have monopolized. The people that set these sorts of trends are the same 13-year-old racist and homophobic idiots that fill America’s greatest theme parks and water parks every summer. If we can start theming our scariest rides, areas and attractions after the Chosen People, maybe we can make a difference.

I Suck At Dating In L.A. For The Same Reason That Finches on Each Galapagos Island Have Different Beaks

After three years of living in Los Angeles, it’s become obvious that all the genetic dispositions and traits I adapted to thrive in New York’s dating scene are completely useless when dating in Los Angeles. As an east coast sarcastic Jew, I was clearly bred with the ability to pass on my DNA in environments that only exist east of the Appalachian Mountains.

I’m not complaining about this, and it makes perfect sense, but there is really no difference between by ineptness at dating in Los Angeles and why finches on different Galapagos Islands have a wide assortment of beak shapes. Dating in New York versus Los Angeles is no different from how finches on the island where they need long and narrow beaks to get worms out of rocky crags are different from those that need stout and firm beaks to break open hard fruits.

It seems like there were a lot of opportunities for a dirty pun in that previous sentence, all of which were missed. The point is that if you’ve been genetically designed to succeed in New York’s dating scene then you can thrive there. You can be smart to the point of pretentiously douchy, you can speak in nothing but sarcasm, you can talk about books and ride the subway to a park or go for a walk or catch a show. Basically being a Jew is very helpful in New York’s dating scene. That’s your beak.

But if you asked a girl out in Los Angeles by seeing if she wants to ride the subway to a city park and talk about books? You’d probably have a Twitter post written about how creepy you are before she’s hung up the phone on you. And books? I have gone on at least three dates with girls who have said, flat out, “I don’t read.” How do you not read? Who doesn’t read? I’m shocked by this. Is this a real thing? Do you look at signs and just refuse to accept them? “Sorry officer, maybe there was a stop sign there, maybe not. I don’t read.”

That actually brings up the question as to whether or not you can get out of tickets by saying that you can’t read.

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The point, though, is that skills that make you attractive in one place are useless in others. For example, the whole short Jew intellectual thing thrives in New York and fails in L.A., but what about the tall, stupid, muscular guys who favor diamond-encrusted Melrose Boulevard button-down shirts with images of dragons fighting leopards on the back? Sure they do great here, but where’s the sympathy for these fellas when they stroll across 72nd Street and Amsterdam?

It doesn’t have to be L.A. and New York either. Consider other nations. Chinese and Japanese people are weird as all hell, but they have bred the largest – and most insular – populations in the world. Maybe there is a Galapagos finch with a beak that likes to bathe in dead fish blood, as most Japanese people enjoy doing. Yet when they come to Mississippi, all of a sudden they have trouble picking up the cute Southern Belle sitting on her porch (I imagine that all women in the South spend their days sitting on porches). There are also the unique cases of species that can thrive on other islands without competitions, like how rabbits came to Australia and decimated the landscape without opposition. This is like when anyone with an English accent comes to America and can bang (sorry, ehem, shag) anything that moves.

If there is any case for evolution and debunking intelligent design, then it’s not what Darwin discovered on the Galapagos. It’s how those same theories apply when I try and be sarcastic to a girl in Los Angeles. If there was any sort of intelligent design, then I’m sure I would have some of it, and I could move across the country and still get laid. But as it is now, God has left me to my own devices. And my own Jewy beak.

Why Europeans Like New York Jews

500 lb. Maury Pauvich guest in America

500 lb. Maury Pauvich guest in America

I’ve had a lot of success with European women in the past. Not relegated to any country in specific, but just as a continent, I seem to do better there than women in any other continent (maybe neck-and-neck with North America).

I was discussing this with other likeminded New York Jews (by the way, doesn’t that sound like a last-place Major League Soccer team? F.C. New York Jews?), and was shocked by similar results. It was unanimous: European girls love New York Jewish guys.

I thought about it for a while and figured out why this is: we’re the safe experimentation version for Europeans to try dating an American. They’ve all heard about that Wild West cowboy, frontier, hunter uncivilized New Worlder (that’s right, New Worldler), but they don’t really want to have to put up with it, so they go half-way and date a New Yorker.

It’s the trans-Atlantic version of a white girl who wants to date a black guy, but sorta hedges her bets by dating a light-skinned black guy, or a guy with one black parent and one white one. She wants to rebel against her parents, but doesn’t want to get in too deep in the process. That’s where New York Jews come in handy.

My Favorite Dance Song

Dance party to cheer up staring military guy

Dance party to cheer up staring military guy

In my opinion, there’s no question as to the best song of the decade. It’s hands-down that bar mitzvah/crappy wedding song (as in the wedding is crappy, not the song), that starts, “Every-body clap your hands…”

It then continues with specific lyrics like, “Sliiiide to the left…sliiiiide to the right.”

This is easily the best dance song in history because the instructions are right there. It’s the perfect song for white people.

Why can’t all songs be like this? The Macarena had to reach a level of saturation that Al Gore was doing it for white people to know all the steps. That took weeks. You can hear the Ev’ry body clap your hands song, and you’ve got the moves down pact immediately.

They should replace the lyrics in Shakira’s Hips Don’t Like to something along the lines of, “Sway your thiiiiiighs to the left…sway your hiiiiiips to the right.” Jews would learn how to dance under such circumstances.

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